We Are Family!

Ok here are a couple of more recent pics of me. Included is my husband Michael. he is the handsome guy with buzzed off hair and no hat and our friend Paul. The dog in the back with Paul is his little girl Emma. Up front with us is (l-r) Buddy, Winnifred, Ethel Louise, and Margaret Clemintine.



This is just another shot of us. Our roommate is a photographer and was bored. So this isn't some f*%$@d three-way relationship. We just all got hustled up for some pics to be taken.


-The Great Cranky One

Mid-week grumblings and rambling's on from a Sociopathic Social Climbing Drag Queen.

Oh lord where to begin with this post.

I guess I should start with the fact that to date this has been an ok week. I am very glad that it is Wednesday. I have been even more cranky than you can imagine this week. My overwhleming fascination with sick and twisted punishment has moved beyond the bedroom and into school. Are you ready? I signed up for a 7 AM english class! had i lost my mind? I really don't know. Thus far it is actually fun today we had to free write about our earliest childhood memory. I am going to make that a post in and of itself. The toughest part has been getting up an hour and a half earlier than I am sed to so that i have time to drive the 25 miles into school/work. I am getting used to it SLOWLY!

I also wanted to take a moment to thank all the people that have been reading my blog. I have discovered that i have a lot more people than I thought visit my page. I wanted to say thank you for stopping by. Sit down a spell sometime enjoy a nice glass of the tea I have to spill and leave me a comment. That brings me next to 3 folks I want to thank in particular. While several folks have commented these three have more than other. Mr Brian, Scotty, and Pookie, thanks so much guys for leaving comments. It gives me an idea of if this is being well received or not.

Lets see some other ramblings. Have any of you heard about the new store that the Gap has introduced for older women? I am kinda excited about it is nothing else I love new things and I am a shopaholic. There was an article about it in the NY Times and it also mentioned that Abercrombie was doing a similar thing for men and women called Ruehl. This has me intrigued because i admit it I am an Aberzombie in many respects. I love most of their clothes because in some ways they beckon to a time that i still cling to my childhood. The overall style is what i remember style being when i was a child and I LOVE it. Of course I also used to work there and I had a really good time even though i do not fit what they usually are looking for. I somehow managed to get hired and had a blast with some really great folks. So I am waiting with baited breath for this new concept.

I was highly amused at my other-half expense yesterday. We attend two different colleges that usually start at the same time. Well they did not this year and he missed an entire week thinking they still did. I said i was sorry he missed it, but lawd I wanted to just crack up.

What else do i have to talk about today.........I get my hair back today. My hair dresser and mentor for drag has had my latest wig for weeks now waiting for inspiration. She finally has it done and says that it is and i quote " FABULOUS!!! Very Kelly Cruise Miss Universe hair!" That is from his e-mail. Kelly is his on-stage persona. I am sooo excited you all have no idea.

Also this just makes my pussy absolutly hurt and I dont even have a vagina!!! Though I talk about having one. :-)

One Woman's Tale of Woe

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the
wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the
bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and
you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I
mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!...OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may
pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter -
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.


Next week I'm going to try hair color......

I guess that is all for now. I will probably add more as the day progresses.

*MUAH*

-The Great Cranky One

She actually thought I had been kidnapped!

Any of you reading this are probably wondering about the strange title i have chosen for this particular post. Well in the tradition of my trip to Little Rock i decided i wanted to post about something fun and silly that I had either done or has happened to me and I chose this particular story.

The cast of characters for this particular story is myself and my mother. Now there is some background I have to tell you before I get to the jist of this. First off I have sprint pcs phone service. Sprint service works at my parents house but not in the little town they live near because my parents live on a mountain near the interstate and town is at the bottom of the mountain by the river. Several miles from the interstate. This is very important in what happened this fateful day.

The other piece of important information is that I absolutly adore Betty Butterfield. You can see her site here http://www.mmmhellooo.com/ . Betty is this old medicated and insane church woman and is just a hoot! I had recorded my own version of betty's voice on my voicemail. The message went something like this......."Mmmmmhelloooo! I am so sorry I can't come to the phone right now because, oh my god, I have been kidnapped by a bunch of anti-cementic ( yes cementic not semitic) Jew hatin' Christians! *cry* *deep wheezing breath* I will call you back if I live." Now I know this message was wrong on many levels but as I stated in my 101 things about me post I am Happy Bunny. Also anyone who knows me knows how MUCH I love Betty.

On this fateful day I had gone into town for my mom to get some things from the store. I had come into town for my niece Lauren's 3rd birthday. It was gorgeous out, early spring and somewhat warm, I had decided to take my dad's truck to town instead of my 4x4 Bronco II. Now after finishing my shopping for my mother I decided I had time to stop at one of my favorite old bookstores in town. I am just browsing minding my own business when the front doors bursts open and in rushes my mother. Now you have to understand as I turn around I feel like a deer caught in headlights because i have no idea why my mother would be coming into this bookstore shreiking "Oh My God there you are!" She then proceeds to go "thank god you are ok", and "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ON YOUR VOICEMAIL?" I explain that mother it's betty remember the old church lady Dad thought was so funny on your last visit. Well she doesn't buy it, says she doesn't remember and what the hell did I think i was doing scaring her that badly. I also told her my phone did not work in town if she remembered which she finally did. At this point goes "well my god i have to go call your dad and tell him you're OK!" and just flies right back out the door jumps in her Jeep and away she went.

Bless their Catholic and Baptist hearts, they actually thought that their Jewish son had been kidnapped by a bunch of Jew hatin' Christians. In a way it is very sweet. But as i sit here writing this out I am smiling ear to ear. In the end I don't know who was more embarrassed my mother or me.

That Damn Pussy...She has run off AGAIN!

I swear just when I think that she has settled in for the long haul the bitch up and takes out!

I am not talking about my cat mind you. I am talking about my Pussy literally. She tore out of the house last night before i could catch her. Labia can move pretty damn fast when they want to.

Before I could even make it to the front door to scream "Don't you DARE!!!!" there were long black tire marks out of the cul-de-sac from the blood red Ford Clitoris that fish runs around in.

Now you are probably wondering why she has decided to leave yet AGAIN!

My husband was subjecting us to yet another week of Brat Camp on the telly and i think she couldn't take anymore of it. Have any of you seen this show?? I'd cut some bitches. Ugh what they were thinking when they put it on I do not know. If I had been able to catch her I think I might have actually split with her. I loathe that program but my husband loves it so i suffer in silence.

There is no telling where she is. Last time she left it was weeks before i saw her again. Of course she had good reason to leave that time. Back in my day i had driven from fayetteville out to the middle of no where to meet a man and spent the night. I had to get up early to be at work the next morning and she was so wore then she was in the car waiting on me. As soon as we got home she split.

So if any of you see a giant set of labia with hooker red lipstick, big sunglasses and a fabulous hat tell her to come home.

A Supposedly Stolen Car, a Boxer Puppy and Meryl Streep Sunglasses...aka My Too Wong Foo Style Trip To Little Rock!

Ok of all the blogs i read two of them have been posting about stuff in their past.

I figured as much as I usually hate being a bandwagon queen I would put my nipples and caution to the wind and get on the bandwagon anyway.

This has been a couple of years ago now but I had decided I wanted to come to Little Rock for the Miss Gay Little Rock Pagaent. My friend Jazmyn Turell from Fayetteville was going to be competing and I wanted to lend her my support.

As the weeks went by leading up to the trip I was having a hell of a time deciding whether I wanted to find someone to stay with or just get a hotel room. I know a lot of people here and could easily have found someone I already knew to stay with. But not me.

I had been talking to a couple of folks I know well now named B and J. I had been talking to B for quite sometime and had agreed I would stay with him. Now add to this mix that Mimi had wanted to come with me.

As the trip nears Mimi and I decide that we will probably head out one night after i get off work. It is a 3 hour drive from Fayetteville to Little Rock so making this trip at night was going to ignunt considering I got off at abercrombie at like 11:00 pm. The day comes and I go to work. Mimi meets me after work and we decide to tip out to the bar for just a bit to see the show. At this point we get an idea. A Too Wong Foo trip to Little Rock!

We went to my house gathered my things, grabbed a token drag picture of Sasha to put on the ashtray in her car. Grabbed a couple of fabulous scarves some lip stick, make up removal wipes and our Meryl Streep looking glasses and we were on out way. Now this was quite the sight. Two of fayetteville's dizziest queens sporting facial hair fabulously painted lips with scarves tied around their heads and big sunglasses, flying down the road with a boxer puppy in the backseat, a token drag picture in the front, and the Too Wong Foo soundtrack just blasting.

We buzz along just merrily honking and waving at people. Blowing kisses all sorts of silly things until we were about half way to Little Rock and Winnifred (my boxer) had to pee. So we stop off in russellville wipe off the lips and stuff and let her out. Of course she won't go so we get back in the car. About a mile down the road she starts crying again. I have had it and declare that she can wait till we get to Little Rock. Mimi rails against me telling me I am being a horrible mother that she is just a baby to stop at the next exit. this happens to be a rest area where people have been murdered. I however am undeterred. While Mimi is screaming we could be killed I pull in and throw Winnifred out to pee. She finally does and I go in to pee myself. Not a soul is in there but there was an empty truck in the parking lot. I decide to come screaming out of there telling Mimi that someone just lunged at me to start the damn car. She frantically does and when i get in and tell her I was kidding she is livid! As we are pulling our a police car goes by us and turns around. At this point Mimi starts to panic, this is a new car for her, but she just took her tag off her old car and put in on this one without switching it. Sure enough here come the blue lights.

Well they just knew we had stolen a car. So when they asked Mimi to step out of the vehicle I think she wet herself. I in traditional Zsa Zsa fashion sat and stared very unamusedly at the policeman at my window. So while I am dishing attitude Mimi is about to fall apart explaining the situation. It turns out were legal, she had all the documentation supporting that she had just bought it and intended to transfer the plate.

Back on the road to Little Rock with Mimi just screaming at me about serving up attitude to cop and how I could have landed us in jail we finally make it to Little Rock and pull up at B and J's house.

We all make our introductions and what not and Mimi just thinks B and I have known each other forever. You can imagine her surprise the next morning when I asked if she wanted in on a little secret. B and I giggled like school girls as we watched the color drain from her face and she started calling me cunt for not telling her I had never met them until we got there. Ah she was mad at me for a month over that one. The trip back home was boring and uneventful, but the trip down sure was a doozey!

Bit by the bug!

I had a very eventful weekend.

It was my two year anniversary with my husband we spent Saturday in Hot Springs just had a really nice time.

Saturday night began Miss Gay Arkansas America. Now you have to keep in mind that I live for this the way straight guys do a lot of sports. I live and die with the bitches on that stage. This year was particularly exciting for me as my Drag daughter Taylor was competing for her first time. She did really well got 1st alternate on her first attempt. The bad thing about this weekend is I have been bitten by the drag bug yet again.

The last few times this has happened thanks to a lot of benadryl and doing a couple of shows I was able to get the bug out of my system and move on. This year i just don't know if it is going to be that easy. I have a very supportive husband who wants me to compete and wants to see me get Miss Arkansas. I have long since told myself I was going to go ahead and finish up school before making my run at this again. It is so hard because this is something I REALLY want. I know i have to keep teling myself no. I have several friends who are formers who i know would help me a lot. I am not the the richest competitor so i would need a lot of help in the gown department. Those things are really expensive. I even know one former who would probably put her entire closet and coaching at my disposal. I just don't know. I am sure I will do some shows get my fix and return to finishing up my BA. I am about to start my senior term. I have not had the drag bug this strongly in a long, long time. I am sure that this to shall pass.

The funny thing is that as badly as I want to compete and to win, I DREAD the reigning year. There is a lot that you have to do as an entertainer and as the administrative rep. of the promoter. I would do well at this I have no doubts and would probably have several girls who were wrecked when I docked them administrative points. I am a stickler for the pagaent rules. But I really want to be a former and be a member of that sisterhood.

Oh well i will get there one day. I just have to be patient.

I know this was a very personal post and mainly about drag but I needed to vent this out. I will try to cook up something corny ehough to make Knotty Boy proud later today!!

101 Things about me!

1. I live in Jacksonville, Arkansas. Its 20 minutes north of Little Rock and there are tons of yummy Air Force boys around all the time.

2. I was born in Canon City, Colorado.

3. I have lived in only three states but have visited twenty-two.

4. I have known i was gay since i was 5 years old. I had a huge crush on a boy who lived down the street. I was in Kindergarten he was in the third grade.

5. I own 3 cars on my own.

6. I have been deer and elk hunting in Colorado. A dream for most sportsman here in Arkansas. I was bored......should have brought a book.

7. I lived in Fayetteville, AR for almost 9 years.

8. I am a Momma's boy.

9. I have 4 big dogs and 4 cats. A husband and a kitchen wench. I allow them to all live indoors.

10. I am essentially Happy Bunny.

11. I have never been to Europe.

12. I would love to eventually make Aliyah to Israel.

13. I am learning Hebrew. It is harder than Russian ever thought of being.

14. I would love to learn to speak, Albanian, Romanian, Swedish, German, Finnish, Serbo-Croatian, Bulgarian, and French.

15. My favorite movie of all time is Steel Magnolias.

16. My favorite song of all time is Fading Like A Flower by Roxette.

17. I have a huge crush, on Prince Frederick of Denmark and Prince Carl Phillip of Sweden.

18. I have three neices, they are the closest thing to daughters I ever want.

19. My neice Lauren is my best friend.

20. I have done drag off and on for almost ten years.

21. I can coach my drag children right into winnings pagaents, but still wreck myself with nerves each time i try to compete. *On August 14 My drag daughter took 1st alternate at Miss Gay Arkansas America her first time there*

22. My drag name is Sasha Harrison, she is a large Russian woman with an American ex-husband. her maiden name is Getchov. She is on holiday somewhere in the Crimea or maybe the French Riviera right now. Who knows the heifer rarely checks in anymore.

23. My parents treat my partner just like one of thier children. They holler at him to! Just kidding! :-) They love him to death.

24. My parents and I are a walking joke. So a Catholic, a Baptist and a Jew walk in a bar.......Dad is Catholic, Mom is Baptist and *I* am a Jew.

25. My two drag sisters Mimi and Big Mama and myself once thought of starting our own housecleaning business. We were going to call it "The Three Sisters. Too lazy? Too dizzy? Too busy? Call us!"

26. I am shameless.

27. I am the oldest of three children.

28. I can actually do a lot of mechanic work. I just choose not to most of the time.

29. I have worked for AnF.

30. My biggest weakness is books and animals that need a home thus my menagerie and library at home.

31. I am one of the girls, but can pass as a huge redneck if I really want to.

32. I love tasteless humor.

33. I am fairly new to blogging.

34. I live all year for Miss Gay Arkansas and Miss Gay America. The later is like the superbowl for me.

35. My most admired female impersonator is Kelly Cruise. She IS Arkansas Royalty and whew let me tell you what as a man. Check her out at www.kellycruise.net

36. I want Sasha to be as admired as Kelly one day.

37. I have a 70's room in my house.

38. My kitchen resembles that of an old Grandmother's and I can cook like one.

39. I have an obsession with laundry.

40. I have a really sick obsession with British laundry detergent. I have someone in the UK who will ship me more when my current stash of 300 loads worth of Ariel runs out.

41. I still own my first car.

42. I name everything.

43. I am a Jew by choice.

44. I want Hillary to be the next President.

45. I tend to sit down when I pee. (TMI I know but oh well)

46. I have NEVER tried smoking.

47. I drink very little.

48. I have woke up in a hotel and not known where I was or who I was with for the first few moments.

49. I am writing a novel. Sasha is the main character.

50. I have a thing for lesbian murder mysteries.

51. I have a thing for British Chick Lit. especiallay books by Sophie Kinsella.

52. I'm a huge fan of Star Trek and Star Wars.

53. I adore Bette Midler.

54. I once drove to St Louis to see Bette in concert and had to drive back overnight to be at work the next day.

55. I love country music. Especially old country music.

56. I was a Macrhing Razorback in the Univeristy of Arkansas Marching Band.

57. I have out run the police.

58. I'm a denver bronco fan.

59. I have been married to my husband two years today.

60. I am addicted to reading blogs.

61. I am a member of the Mac cult. You'll pry my one click mouse from my cold dead hand!

62. I have steel magnolias, too wong foo, and good potions of priscilla queen of the desert committed to memory.

63. I have been in a play reading of Steel Magnolias. I was Quizza.

64. My favorite musical is Chicago.

65. I don't know how to swim.

66. I am terrified of drowning.

67. I am even more terrified of fire and being burned.

68. I am not that scared of freezing to death.

69. I am my granny's favorite.

70. I am a pack rat.

71. I am good at Jeopardy and decent at Trivial Pursuit.

72. I love to go to flea markets.

73. This is my second time to work in a Library.

74. I have the first two Harry Potter books in Russian.

75. My favorite piece of Russian Literature is the Tales of Belkin by Pushkin.

76. I love Scarecrow and Mrs King. I wish they would put it on DVD.

77. I have seen Dixie Carter in Concert. I sat in front of her husband Hal Holbrook. Man can she sing!

78. I have hung up on my father and my mother.

79. I can call a drag pagaent the way some commentators can a football game.

80. I still run Windows ME on my PC. I know ghetto.

81. I will be want to win Miss Gay Arkansas more to be a former than to actually enjoy the year long reign.

82. I collect 1980's drive-thru glasses. ( Star wars, Star Trek, Care Bears, etc.)

83. I would love to own a Saab.

84. I own 4 Mac's and One PC.

85. I am a Colorado Native. I moved to Arkansas at the age of 13.

86. I own a 3,000.00 evening gown.

87. I own a 1981 Camaro.

88. I would love to live in Lousiana one day.

89. I attended President Clinton's first inauguration.

90. I have marched in the Georgia Dome.

91. I have a weakness for short guys.

92. I melt for dark hair, a goatee, and blue eyes.

93. I have seen Reba McEntire in concert.

94. When I finally finish growing up my degree will be in Antropology with a minor in Russian.

95. I read at least one book a week.

96. I am an NPR junkie.

97. I read the New York Times daily.

98. I take allergy shots.

99. I'm a shopaholic.

100. I read my first book on the Soviet Union when I was in the 3rd grade.

101. I am wore out from coming up woth this list!

Do you read me?

Ok this is silly But I got the idea from another blog.

If you read me please leave me a comment on here and just say hey I read your blog.

I would love to know if there are people out there who read my blog or have read my blog.

Thanks!!

-Tim